How Do You Start a Life?

I'm bursting from the seams... Why should pain happen to people? Why should everything stop when everything seemed so perfect? People don't deserve to lose people... I've realized these goodbyes and painful time-outs just happen, and you would always have to ask, will it happen to me now? Later? tomorrow? What if it happens? Then I ask... How do you start a life?

How do you start a life when the life you've always wanted just ended all of a sudden? Like a sudden drop from the moments of anticipation when you ride a roller coaster... It just takes your breath away, it makes your heart stop, and the whole you seemed jolted, electrified... When you didn't see the train coming and it hit you... when you didn't see the clouds then it started to rain... When you didn't feel the fire but you get burned from head to toe? When it's too sudden, where do you go from there? How do you start a life when the previous life was just everything you've known?

I was very much in love. I would remember the last relationship I had – how it ended, and how it seemed wrong in all ways because it was a relationship full of fights and arguments... When that ended, I knew life had to be better. I did not grieve, nor cry, nor acted stupidly out of remorse. it was a life that ended to bring in a better one... It was positive, and accepting it was easy because I knew I did something wrong. I had to make myself better. I had to fix myself.

I promised not to get into another relationship back then... I gave myself some time, and eventually when I met HER, I decided I will pursue her. I've been very mature about it, prayed for it and worked hard for it... And when we both stepped in a relationship, we knew it was the most perfect thing on earth.

I've devoted all my time for her... Built my dreams around her... I believed so much in the future that I felt nothing bad can happen to the present... It was the most joyous moments of my life, and we shared those moments together... The graduation, the achievements, the great news, the sweetest moments of love, the assuring moments of caressing each other ––– it was shining, shimmering, and splendid.

It was the life I've always wanted. A perfect life shared with someone as perfect as that life, who entirely becomes that life, and you feel nothing's lost because with this life you are complete. I've committed my life to her. To me, marriage is just a term––– you can be committed to someone with as much loyalty and dedication even if you haven't exchanged vows. Because the vows in that relationship were enough... the promises were lasting, and the love just suffices. Mistakes are overshadowed by forgiveness, doubts by trust, absence by presence, and grief by joy.

And i know I've done well... And that she had done well too... We were happy for years, that each other half became part of something totally whole, and that all habits, all moments, all routines, from seconds to minutes to hours, to days and months and all the other measures of time ––– everything became about us. The joy we've found together was made strong by people around us, by God whom we both believe and worship, by family, even by dreams....

We've named our future kids... We've planned our future weddings... We've planned future trips together, and everyday just seemed to be okay... She told me she's proud she dated a man who writes, that she loves me so much, and that she values me too...

Until one day, cold winds swept upon us and I find myself losing her for reasons she cannot disclose properly... Like missing her single life... Like missing the life she'd always wanted to enjoy, and despite her not being able to articulate it, that life she always wanted wasn't the perfect LIFE that we were living in... Which was a bit unfair, because I've given her everything... I've done everything right... And admittedly she also knew there was nothing wrong... Which again was so unfair. It's a thin blade that was able to cut through in perfect precision, and that even the sturdiest parts of life it was able to shred to pieces...

And it had to end... And time had to overshadow all joys, and time brought in pain and tears and confusion. 

What sense could there be when that perfect life begins to falter?

The life I've always wanted ––– the life that revolves around her ––– suddenly had to stop.

I was shaken to the core. Believing everything was alright, I can't fathom why it had to happen... And the more I was asking for the reasons, the more I was trying to scavenge for the things that would make sense, I find myself getting deeper and deeper into an abyss of confusion, of loss, of cold, painful stabs piercing thru even as far as the soul. It does not make sense.

I felt no solid ground was there to catch me... I felt no hand was there for me to grab. i was just a lost man now, some insignificant soul... Of course, people try to reach for me, but I can't lift up my head, or raise my arms, or submit to moving on. I can't leave this darkness. I can't stop myself from wishing, fervently praying, for that perfect life to come back and be okay... 

The pain is killing me every second... Tears burst in the slightest reminder of her, or the decision, or the sweetest things we've enjoyed for years... My eyes were sore, my heart was tired, and I was dying––– but I keep on hoping too... I keep on wishing, I keep on praying... But I really feel like dying, I feel like dropping dead and pretending this is not happening ––– no, this isn't happening, no, it can't be happening... no, this is just a nightmare.

But it wasn't. It was real, and it was excruciating.

So how do you start a life? How do you start when you did not want it to die? When you secretly hope that perfect life is immortal? How do you start all over again, when the moment you get back to zero, the step to ONE is always still about her? How do you move on with questions left unanswered? How do you forget when all you wanted was to remember? How do you trick yourself, and tell yourself that you can survive this?

How do you start a life?

Someone told me, you don't need to find the answers to these questions.
The questions had to be loved, and cherished, and appreciated...
even without the answers.

I continue to hope this gets better, but I also need to take a few steps forward... or else I die with that perfect life. I'd fall down, I won't be able to keep up, and I'd be swallowed wholly by the ground... I just don't know how. It's difficult... But as I go through each day, I hope the baggage lightens, and everything, for all it's worth, start  to clear up and I'll see the silver linings once again.

Things did not have to make sense. That's life...
But at least, I should see reason.

I seriously hope no one gets to go through this pain, ever again, for now I understand what it feels to truly lose someone who actually didn't die... It is as painful as death, but not as acceptable as death. It's cruel, it's tormenting, it's not liberating. But I know life is packed with all those thorns, and that pain is part of whatever it is that you need in life to continue being in that life.

And therefore, even if I hope for that, we'll all feel it one day... We'll cross that road someday when everything just seems to be okay then someone bids farewell. We'll all lose a life that we value so much, with all our hearts and minds and thoughts and words and actions... It will happen... and you get pushed back to the starting line, fall back to zero, and restart after shutting down.

I just hope that when it happens, we all know
how to start a life.