Break Even

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me
was always you... And what am I supposed to say
when I'm all choked up and you're okay...
I'm falling to pieces..........
and when the heart breaks, no,
it don't break even."
----- The Script


Why did I get stuck in this moment? The tones of melancholy, of cold nights, tears in the morning, tears whenever and wherever, all these strikes of sadness ––– they aren't beautiful. But why do I like it here? Why do I cherish loneliness? Maybe because it's the real thing; it's undeniable, and true enough, hearts were broken but it did not break even.

Sadness overpowered anger. I should have been mad... I should have felt it in me that I didn't deserve any of these things... It was all okay then suddenly she realizes she's not happy. But you know what? I can't be angry... I was just lonely... and I was just asking questions...

Today is entirely a very difficult day. I gave in to weakness last night, and I tried to connect to her and tried to fix it... But she really wanted to be apart. She's sorry for it but she feels she needs it and we need it... But why, I ask... In my mind, I don't understand space. The world is filled with Matter, those things that occupy space... Even gas occupies space and has mass... Why do we need that space? Why does it have to be a vacuum????

Vacuum is the space that's empty of matter. Nothing solid, liquid, gas nor plasma... Why do we need that vacuum? if she wanted space, something should occupy it...
why can't it be our love? the almost 4 years? Our promises?
It doesn't break even.... :(

I was asking her if we can talk. I went as far as saying I will commit suicide, which I actually did on the first night but was just unsuccessful. And I knew it was pathetic, but I wanted to try all means... I was really falling deeper and deeper into depression.

Don't get me wrong... The fact that I still write, that I face this depression, the fact that I'm trying to live again ––– it just means to say that I won't die literally. One key person talked to me yesterday. She said it's the most foolish thing to do... It feels so good at the start (although how would you feel anything? You've died already...) and you may think you've actually given that person a run for her money ––– that you actually scarred her and defeated her and you've got the last laugh...

But no... People will move on with or without you... They will grieve once, twice, thrice, they will grieve 'til you're buried, and the person you want to wound would eventually just forget, and someone will enter her life and she'll be okay, and the world goes on and continue revolving –––

and you are six feet below the ground, insignificant as ever.
It's clear, it doesn't break even...

Today she's leaving for somewhere far...  I think she's really so confused she agreed to do it even if we have problems and she has not tried to fix it... It was all me, I was reaching out, and she was slowly but surely slipping out of my grip...

There's a storm coming, and I can't help but worry. I miss her already, just by thinking she'd be that far away from me and we will not communicate with each other... I am being tempted by my heart, my heart that still wants her and longs for her, to text her and call her and see if she's okay and if her trip will be okay...

BUT I HAVE TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRANKLY, SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE WILL MISS ME OR NOT!!!!!
And she will find herself, she will enjoy the time,
 because it was our dream to go to  there too...
And she will or she might find out she did not really need me.

I was crying last night because she made all sorts of promises to me,
and that she will never leave me...
But last night, she said sorry and said I had to let go of those promises.

It does not break even.
Here I am, holding on to my promises,
and there she was,
letting go of hers...

I asked her, what do I do? How do I let go of all of these when I wanted to fix it and she just can't?

Not all guys are bad in relationships. Sometimes, a guy gives his all, and a guy changes for the girl, and the guy respects what the girl wants... A guy may demand at times, but that's a licensed thing in a relationship... A guy can stay strong and hold on to promises, and a guy can stay loyal and can commit to the core...

Sometimes it can be the girl. The girl who misses life without the guy...
The girl can just forget the promises,
The girl can inflict the greatest pain,
and the girl can still be a victim of her decision,
and NO ONE SHOULD EVER BLAME HER for looking past the years
and choosing herself and what she would really want.

And that's where it doesn't break even...
That today, at this point when I'm hurt by all these things,
and while I'm still lingering on this love,
she can walk away...

And I can't blame her,
because she's as wounded as I am... She's confused,
she feels like a victim of chance or regret...
And it doesn't break even...
:'(