New Home!

Please follow me at http://themanwhowrites.com/ for the latest blogs. I've migrated the Rich Life Series too, and added some more categories for you to read about. Blogger has been a very special home to me, but it also holds memories that at this point I need to veer away from. No, they are never forgotten. 

Life with Mochi, Ranting Hatter, these are special things I will always go back to, someday, when pain fades away. Meanwhile, let's enjoy lessons and realizations from the true lover of our soul. I write them down in this new home. 

Enjoy!

The Man Who Writes

RICH LIFE SERIES: 7 | ROCK - BOTTOMS UP

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 7 | ROCK - BOTTOMS UP

We did not have something new to read yesterday. I don't know why it happened, but I just did a few mistakes here and there trying to chase what God has taken away from me. I was keeping a prayerful attitude, praying without ceasing, but I had certain moments when I got distracted and God was so clear in telling me it's the wrong way to go. How can I make my life fuller and richer when God has brought me down to rock bottom?

RICH LIFE SERIES: 6 | KEEP CALM

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 6 | KEEP CALM

I was never a beach person, and in my 22 years of existence, I've never really travelled far on water. This long weekend, I decided to go with my HS friends to Puerto Galera, Mindoro, Philippines. The enjoyment I had with long-time friends and rekindle stories of friendship and immature pasts is another story, but for this Rich Life Series entry, we'll focus on the thoughts I had while riding the waves. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 5 | UNSPEAKABLE JOY

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 5 | UNSPEAKABLE JOY

Happiness is a choice, they say.

In a terrible circumstance, how can you choose to be happy?

And will being happy save you from whatever it is you are going through?

We're not always happy. In a book written by Harold J. Sala (Paano Maging Joyfully Single), it is shared that we were just fully convinced that happiness is a goal that we can reach, and that if we have some things –– sometimes associated to power, richness, or achievements –– you will find that happiness.

Happiness is conditional, kapatid. 

Strong Enough! (Stacie Orrico)

Jesus Depiction from http://www.cocorioko.net/?p=26534

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness and find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

RICH LIFE SERIES: 4 | STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 4 | STRENGTH IN WEAKNESS

Being strong in the midst of weakness and trials isn't an easy thing to do.

A rich life should progress despite all these, because a rich life knows how to be strong in all situations.

Pwede ba yun?

RICH LIFE SERIES: 3 | ETERNAL FLAME

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 3 | ETERNAL FLAME

My devotion today had this opening line: 

"Perhaps, the most painful statement a person can hear is...

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE."

It struck me because I know it is! #NarinigKoNaYan as they say on Twitter.

I've heard it, and I was not able to process things the right way.

RICH LIFE SERIES: 2 | TRAVEL LIGHT

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 2 | TRAVEL LIGHT

What are you chasing after in life?

Might be the best job possible... or the highest paying opportunity...

You might be chasing after a relationship... or a desire to have one...

Or you might just want to really be the best of who you can be.

What you chase and aspire in life becomes your priority – you live for it, and you give it your best shot. We all try to get to our goals as fast as possible, because then it will give us room for more goals to set, and more goals to achieve. What are you perspiring for? Why dedicate this much time to what you do?

RICH LIFE SERIES: 1 | NEVER ALONE

Disclaimer: Someone once told me, "I hope you are glorifying God with your blogs." My blog started out with bitterness, and one day I will repost them just for you to see what I've gone through... But that confrontation led me to thinking about the purpose of my writing. I don't write for a love lost and a life destroyed. I write to be light to others, and to help people like me, people who fall, and stumble, and get lost, to find themselves again and just let God do the job. Whatever drudgery or broken dreams we've had, God wants us to have richer, fuller lives. Aim for that. :)

Each of us strive to make our lives richer – capture moments of joy, experience new things, and spread love to people we connect with. This is what this series is all about: despite all your major problems, you can still make your life richer and better. Kapit, kapatid, it will be a fun ride. :) NOTE: IM A WORK IN PROGRESS«« Perfection not achieved yet. :)

RICH LIFE SERIES: 1 | NEVER ALONE

Have you ever been in that situation when you feel no one really cares about you anymore?

In my most recent relationship, I depended to much on companionship that I never really got to know the feeling of just giving myself the me-time that I need. When the days came when I had no one else to be with me on a Friday night, on a weekend, or on a dinner date, I felt totally depressed because I had no one else to turn to...

Worse, when that relationship sort of ended, I lost my way and was, indeed, ALONE!

A Book For the One He Loves

Sorry I had to take down all the posts. 

This is a public blog, and it will soon change tone. :)

I found my copy of the book I wrote for the person I truly loved, and until now, love with all my heart. I remember asking her how she wants the book to be, and she had some pegs. Forgive me, I'm not really a professional writer. But I wrote her a 550-page story about a couple, Fae and Vincent, and it was much, much appreciated. 

I never knew that some chapters would be relevant to me today. You might not know the story, but here are some relevant chapters (2 chapters) that sort of captures what I feel. 

CHAPTER 47: BY THE PORT

Our first evening back in Stanford was spent on the bridge by the port at Saint Hildegarde. With air moist by the salty molecules from the crashing waves of the sea, the sky dark and ornamented with a stellar performance of ghastly circles twinkling from beyond the atmosphere, and with the unusual humming of Stanford night silence, Vincent and I wrapped each other with our arms. We were so connected that our deep breaths seem to have created a rhythmic flow, our souls communicating in vast widespread corners of our own little world.

Somehow, I tried to cover up all the worries with the increasing amount of happiness that I felt in lavishing the moment with love and passion; with peace and unequivocal absence of worries; with transparent serenity and optimism.

The moonlight shun the darkness that surrounded both of us. Above anything else, I knew I had the best life has to offer... It's cheating death twice and resolving the bitter fate that seemed to be so surreal and unfair. It's being with someone like Vincent who was willing to delve deeper into this world of ours, world he really did not have to know. He stood by me against many other stuff. He loved me despite the fact that I was unfit for him (or it was the other way around). Like the light of the moon, Vincent was shining the pathway of my life. Somehow, I've garnered clarity and purpose.  Somehow, I knew where to go and what to do in this life.

I breathed in.

He breathed in shortly.

We both exhaled simultaneously, letting go of every inhibitions.

"I love you Fae..."

"I love you too, Vincent."

"It's been one hell of a ride, my love... good thing you were there."

"I was there to make it even more tough..."

"No, you were there to supply me life."

"Vincent, I'm sorry I got you into this." I leaned on him.

"It's okay, and don't feel sorry about it." He brushed my head with his cheeks. "I know it was my idea too."

"Will you ever get tired, Vincent?"

"Doing what?"

"Doing all of it... and being my spring."

"I guess we have not begun. I have nothing to judge..."

"So you think you will? You know, give up in time?"

He giggled softly. "Baby, I will never give you up."

"No matter what?"

'Well, I have some reservations... You know... If I have to leave or hide in order for you to be safe, I guess I'll do it... all for love."

I suppose I did not appreciate those last words... I reacted with a smirk, then I sort of shook my head from left to right in disagreement.

"Do you think we'll reach that point? I mean, you and me sacrificing more than what we had already given up?"

"We'll see... But take this, I will never EVER take away these words... I LOVE YOU, Fae, and I WILL ALWAYS WILL."

Vincent drew his lips closer to mine, and moments after, I felt his damped soft lips touch my own, first plain and gently, and then it soon hovered to a deeper, more intimate kiss. We literally kissed the night away, warming ourselves with passion as the night unravelled itself boldly upon us. Vincent touched my face and so did I touched his, and together we both savored the flavor of love which we both have missed since we embarked ourselves into the near-death trial at Thynghowe. 

BOOK 1, Chapter 23:

And then it happened. Right in front of Vincent, the wound on my left hand began to open. It was nothing like the wound on my right—it was a dozen times more painful, in fact it was excruciating my whole body. I screeched in strong and numbing pain, and I saw Vincent worrying too much… It was time… My love for him has triggered the count… I am, at this point, indeed fated to die.

“Fae… please, can I do something?” Vincent pleaded, crying.

“Vincent… I… I love you… but you must… go now… We can never be together… Never…” I said, cringing myself to a curl as the pain severely affects my hand.

Vincent stood up, slowly, almost too hesitant. He took steps backward, one step at a time, and he was crying in grieving expression. He kept on saying I’m sorry, and I kept on telling him to go away… And Vincent soon stopped, maintaining a distance between us.

“I… I’m sorry Fae, know that I will always… always love you… forever…” Vincent said, pretending to be strong as he moves away, seeing me in my weakest situation in life.

“I will, too, in my remaining days…” I said, as I stood up… the wound has finished torturing me—finally, I had another open wound. It was the last moment that I will be seeing Vince face to face, but the distance between us seemed to be more than it was.

“I hope you live… Please… do something about it.” He said.

“I will try to…” I answered, weeping.

“I… love you… and please… don’t love me back.” Vincent wept as he said the words. He placed his hands to cover his mouth, only putting it away and sending me a sorrowful kiss. I watched him ever so closely, as he turned his back, a she took his first step facing the opposite direction, and as he moved away, little by little, vanishing in the slowest succession.

I soon looked back to the sea and catched the sun as it bid farewell.  It sank down deep, interposing my grief with its own narration of the day’s end… More than the end of my life, I cry at the end of the love that I have dreamt of, wished for, and worked hard for… I cry at the recurring image of Vincent moving away, knowing that he wanted to do something but he cannot. It was the lullaby of a goodbye. It was a modern myth—and the myth has been busted.

Dear You.

Dear You.

Years ago, after being single for almost 2 years, I've decided to fall in love again. I've prayed hard for it, and have welcomed all the challenges and whatever people will say when I chose to court you and give my love to you.

At that time, I promised myself I'd give it my all, and I'd want it to be my last relationship... that it would lead to marriage, it would lead to family, it would lead to a happy ever after.

What did I see in you then?

You were, until now, the most beautiful girl in my eyes... You brought meaning to a lot of songs – that I'm overjoyed and overloved, that Ikaw Ang Bigay ng Maykapal, that I promise you my love 'til the day my life is thru... I try to find a concrete reason: was it your looks? Was it your aura? No. And I couldn't find that reason. It's as if I was drawn to you and your value, your purpose, your life and existence. I found myself falling to you not because of anything – it was a love that was banked on prayer, on fasting, on a desire to lift you up from where you came from and be a better woman loved by the better man.

I remember it clearly... it was in February, around Valentines Day, that I decided to follow where you are and join you and your friend in a "Valentines Karaoke Date". There I whispered I love you to your ears, the first time I've said it after 2 years of spending seconds and minutes focusing on making myself better. That day, I knew I was ready to fall in love with a fantastic girl... Your eyes were glimmering, your smile was captivating. Your view on love was something we both share as a principle... You were strong, but at the same time you were also vulnerable.

You had it in you – that mix of toughness and poise... that caring, loving, but sometimes strict attitude... You were beautiful inside and out. All the other men around school just wanted to take my place, but it felt like a match made in heaven. You were out of my league... but I tried anyway. I made sure I don't place the best foot forward... I wanted you to see my, flaws and all. I opened my life to you – how I went through a rocky 2-year relationship, how I found God, how I fought for justice when I was once placed in a pitiful position, my family issues, my dreams and goals, my regrets, my plans... I told you my problems, and I was open in saying them all to you so you could see the real me... and fall in love with the real me, eventually.

We spent days together, and when my birthday week arrived, I've decided to fast and quit communicating with you for us to know if we really like where we are at that time...

I will never forget how I searched for you in school, and how I saw you with tearful eyes sitting at the library all alone, writing on your journal that I often took away from you. There I've read how you have missed me, and that you have certain realizations happening in your mind... you said I love you to me too, but didn't want the commitment at first as you've said you have a special date for that...

You've committed to me on March 12, 2009, 930 PM, while we were celebrating your birthday. You said it was the happiest moment of your life, and it was mine too. That day changed everything – we went through almost everything – fights with friends, changes in lifestyles, and discovering our own capabilities in this relationship – and what I remember clearly is that we were a perfect couple. We were happy amidst everything else happening...

When people became more open to what we are as a "package deal", we gained friends... and eventually I was accepted in your own circle of friends... I made sure I will not restrict you, although of course as a boyfriend I've been concerned on what you wear, who you are with, and where you go at night... I made sure I will bring you home despite the distance from where you live and where I live... I made sure I can bring you to class, made sure I can take care of you during the times that you were sick, and made sure that you are loved. I made sure I was different from all the other guys before me, because you were giving me the love nobody else has given me in this kind of relationship... I was respected, valued, I was loved, I was taken care of... So I had to give you my all, too.

It was my best performance in love. I gave it my all. Why?

Because you deserve it. You are a special girl, and until now you still remain to be the most special person in my life. Day and night I converse with God, saying how wonderful this life has been when you came in... I promised Him that I will cherish this love, that I will root both of us in the presence of God, and that I will love you until the time comes when we have to bid farewell to the world. Nothing lasts forever, we always say... But until we die, we say, we will love each other.

You've been part of all the achievements and milestones that I had. Yes, I graduated on top of the class, won awards, won competitions, got hired immediately out of college ––– and you were there behind me all the way. You've had your fair share of achievements too ––– you were healthier, your kidney works well, you graduated on time, you even made it to honorable mention, and you just became more and more beautiful each day. You've secured a job, you've been recognized as an efficient manager, and despite your shyness, you've been able to open up to the world.

We were accepted in our respective families, you in mine and I in yours. For years we've been together we actually evolved to look a lot like each other... Share the same things, smile at the same thoughts, enjoy the same moments, and cherish the same dreams.

I love you to bits and pieces... And I know you loved me that much too.

I've never been loved and taken care of that way – how you've taken me home when I have migraines, how you've assured me I eat well, how you've made sure I take care of myself despite the busy lifestyle –––– you were the best partner. You cheer me up when I'm sad, you understand me when I'm irritated, you lift my spirit up when I'm down... You make me laugh, you make me cry, and you make me want to be with you each and everyday...

You've devoted much time for me, and I know I let you devote time for others too... I may have been to dependent on you, but I really enjoyed giving all my time and effort for the woman I will love until the day I die...

I tried so hard to make it a perfect relationship.

But those days came in when we had to stay apart. I was too proud that I demanded time from you, not knowing that it sounded too restricting... I was up on my position thinking you were to make up for lost time... But instead, you've realized what you could do without me and what you are missing out because of me...

I wish I could have known...

When you asked if we can go to SG to work, I wish I could have sensed that it was you pitching a dream life to me... I wish that when you asked if we could join in a beach escapade, I should have said yes rather than say let's just spend that weekend together in the usual dates... I wish that when you had to stay overnight in the office, I should have brought you something to eat, kissed you goodnight before i take a cab home... I wish I could have sensed you were slipping away slowly and quietly...

And I wish that when the time came when you felt you had to go,
I should have been able to control myself and talked you out of it.

I was losing a 3-year relationship...
and a dream of a happy ever after with you.
I just can't let it go.
But what can I do? I love you so much...
you deserve whatever choice you make.
Even if that means I've to learn the art of letting go.

Dear You...

I don't know what you are doing right now, whether you are thinking about me or not...
I don't know if the thought of me scares you... or turns you off...
Or do you actually remember all these things and think about going back...

I don't really know.

What I know is, each and everyday that we get through this separation, I'm becoming more and more drawn to this promise, this hope, this spark... Our love was so strong, our love was clinging on to God, our love was a perfect match... Our families loved us both... Our friends loved us... the cameras loved us... But we loved each other more.

I've entered into this relationship with a promise... That I found a girl that I will love to love until the end... a promise I've made to you, myself, and to the God that keeps on hearing me every night that I drench my pillow with tears and every time I walk desperately near where you are trying to hope for a peek of your smile... that promise is true, and it stays true until today. Despite the pain, despite the hurt, despite the questions left unanswered. You still deserve this love, you still deserve the happiness.

But if this love won't put you there, to a place where you would really find the most value for your self, then this love isn't everything you needed. It was freedom you've asked... And you've asked for too much...

But I love you more than that. You are the most special girl in my life... and you deserve all the happiness in the world... I thought I could give it to you. I thought that with this relationship and our connection to God and our families, it will be enough...

I need not know.

Today, I sit on the bed where we once shared moments with my family – the laughters, the jokes, the stories we share with mom, the playful activities we did with our baby Mochi – every night, I come face to face with all these memories, wishing they won't stay as memories forever, hoping it will be richer the second time around...

Everyday I go back to that park where we parted ways... It was so pristine and melancholic that evening, but now that I visit it in broad daylight, I see the beauty of it. There lies a wishing stone, where people can write their wishes using the stagnant water in a crease... those wishes just evaporate in midair... the stone gets dry again, and the wishes vanish. But everyday I write on that stone, hoping that the wishes that vanish get mixed up with the air, the air blown towards your office's direction, and then you breathe those wishes I have written, and maybe once again open your heart and mind to what we have shared together and what we have promised to each other.

Dear You.

I still love you, never did it diminish in amount... I never really measured the love. Love isn't love til you give it away, they say... I've given it to you... Take my love wherever you go, and whatever you do. I hope, and this is all but hope, that you get to think of me too when you feel that love caress you... when you feel lonely, happy, angry, or sad... I hope that love would still suffice. I hope you find what you are looking for, but please, bring that love with you. Take my heart with you. Remember how much I love you.

I continue to pray to God.
I continue to ask Him of what I desire,
but most importantly,
that He gives you the desires of your heart.

You are one special girl. I pray God would give you everything you need,
everything you want,
and everything you will ever ask for.

You are one precious gem.
You remain to be the queen of my heart,
the apple of my eye.

I love you so much... I never physically hurt you, never cheated on you, never destroyed your trust.
That's how precious you are–
you deserved to be loved this way.

I don't know where this would lead you to, or where this is going to take me to...
But i am fervently praying and wishing you come back...
I will receive you with the same loving arms,
and the heart that's proven to love you despite everything.

That is what you have always deserved.

Dear You.
I miss you so much.
I miss your voice, your kiss, your hug...
I miss how you take care of me...
I miss how you loved me...
I miss everything about you.

Dear You.
I want you to know, I won't give up on us.
As the song goes,
even if the skies get rough...
I'm giving you all my love...
Because God knows we're worth it...

I keep on praying to God to take these hopes and this love away if it won't do me any good... He's taken away depression, but not the hope and love... This is what it meant when God said he so loved the world ––– that despite the world's ways, He still gave His One and Only Son for everyone's salvation. Love just like how Jesus loves...

And hope...
pray...
persevere...
Because love doesn't give up.

If it is my last day today, I will still spend it loving you with all that I have...
Because when God gave me YOU, I was ME. 
The complete, happy version of ME.

Go flutter around, fly if you must.
But please remember that I'm here...
and that I will love you this way –––

because you are so precious to me...
and because you deserve it.


PS: Im itching to give you a call now... Are you ready  to talk? Are you ready to come back?
I miss you. You're the air I breathe.
I seem to feel that the song is true –––
I can't do it without you.

Heavens Cry

Tonight, the sky is crimson red and thunders roll down from east to west... Heavy rains pour down all over Manila right now, and maybe, in some other parts of the world, the heavens cry too...

The sky cries out the tears that won't come out.
The sound of thunders echo what the heart can't shout.
The day I dreaded, it ends with this –
letting go, setting free, and an unusual bliss.

My thoughts aren't really gathered right now... As always, I write from the heart. Today, me and my heart had a serious travail to take. It's like I'm preparing for an execution, a painful execution perhaps on guillotine in front of nobody else, and the battle is yours alone... But I had to do it. What was I set to do? Nothing – just watch someone go. The hardest part is you can't stop that someone from slipping out of your grip.

What happened tonight will go down in my life history as one of the most valuable conversations, one of the most true, most honest, even if that means the same as the first word... I did not break down and cry... I said my piece, I tried to fix it, and when it can't be fixed, I let go. Properly. With prayers.

And the tears I should have shed, the amount of pain that had to come out,
they did not flow down from my eyes...
Because at last, I understood why this has to happen.

Whatever happened tonight is painful, and what makes it more painful is that... well...
I just had to accept that it is what it is.

And that's where I admire God's intervention...
That as broken and as emotional as I am, I went through it properly.
And in the end, I gave into what she would have wanted for her life...

But the heavens cry out tonight.
It pours out what I want to to pour out...
Because deep inside, the pain is there, and crying is inevitable.

Love isn't love til you give it away,
and I will continue to give it away,
not expecting for anything...

Which just makes it hard, but that's where my heart is right now – it's stuck in loving her, but also it has to move forward and learn to love itself... I will then have to listen to whatever God maybe saying out there... And though I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul, that just isn't true when we bump it to what the Divine Being can do. The twists, the turns, the surprises... they will all sweep you off your feet, but you will always have to keep up. He is writing the story for you.

Life will have to move forward, for her life will move forward.
When the love isn't enough to make it work,
I think the solution is time...
And time apart will make it known to the hearts
if they are really tied together with an invisible string of commitment and fidelity.

I am looking forward. But I will never forget. The love, ever so true and ever so loyal, will remain there until we meet again with hearts ready to fall back into the bliss of overjoy and overlove. The yellow hair will vanish, and things may get back to what is has used to be. In God's perfect time.

For now, let's let the Heavens Cry, for tomorrow,
and the next days after,
I will pick up the broken pieces of my life...
and I will not start a life ––––––
I will continue living this life.

You only have 1 life to live, live it for whatever you think is good for you.
And as always,
be strong,
and just like tonight,
let the Heavens Cry.

Break Even

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me
was always you... And what am I supposed to say
when I'm all choked up and you're okay...
I'm falling to pieces..........
and when the heart breaks, no,
it don't break even."
----- The Script


Why did I get stuck in this moment? The tones of melancholy, of cold nights, tears in the morning, tears whenever and wherever, all these strikes of sadness ––– they aren't beautiful. But why do I like it here? Why do I cherish loneliness? Maybe because it's the real thing; it's undeniable, and true enough, hearts were broken but it did not break even.

Sadness overpowered anger. I should have been mad... I should have felt it in me that I didn't deserve any of these things... It was all okay then suddenly she realizes she's not happy. But you know what? I can't be angry... I was just lonely... and I was just asking questions...

Today is entirely a very difficult day. I gave in to weakness last night, and I tried to connect to her and tried to fix it... But she really wanted to be apart. She's sorry for it but she feels she needs it and we need it... But why, I ask... In my mind, I don't understand space. The world is filled with Matter, those things that occupy space... Even gas occupies space and has mass... Why do we need that space? Why does it have to be a vacuum????

Vacuum is the space that's empty of matter. Nothing solid, liquid, gas nor plasma... Why do we need that vacuum? if she wanted space, something should occupy it...
why can't it be our love? the almost 4 years? Our promises?
It doesn't break even.... :(

I was asking her if we can talk. I went as far as saying I will commit suicide, which I actually did on the first night but was just unsuccessful. And I knew it was pathetic, but I wanted to try all means... I was really falling deeper and deeper into depression.

Don't get me wrong... The fact that I still write, that I face this depression, the fact that I'm trying to live again ––– it just means to say that I won't die literally. One key person talked to me yesterday. She said it's the most foolish thing to do... It feels so good at the start (although how would you feel anything? You've died already...) and you may think you've actually given that person a run for her money ––– that you actually scarred her and defeated her and you've got the last laugh...

But no... People will move on with or without you... They will grieve once, twice, thrice, they will grieve 'til you're buried, and the person you want to wound would eventually just forget, and someone will enter her life and she'll be okay, and the world goes on and continue revolving –––

and you are six feet below the ground, insignificant as ever.
It's clear, it doesn't break even...

Today she's leaving for somewhere far...  I think she's really so confused she agreed to do it even if we have problems and she has not tried to fix it... It was all me, I was reaching out, and she was slowly but surely slipping out of my grip...

There's a storm coming, and I can't help but worry. I miss her already, just by thinking she'd be that far away from me and we will not communicate with each other... I am being tempted by my heart, my heart that still wants her and longs for her, to text her and call her and see if she's okay and if her trip will be okay...

BUT I HAVE TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRANKLY, SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE WILL MISS ME OR NOT!!!!!
And she will find herself, she will enjoy the time,
 because it was our dream to go to  there too...
And she will or she might find out she did not really need me.

I was crying last night because she made all sorts of promises to me,
and that she will never leave me...
But last night, she said sorry and said I had to let go of those promises.

It does not break even.
Here I am, holding on to my promises,
and there she was,
letting go of hers...

I asked her, what do I do? How do I let go of all of these when I wanted to fix it and she just can't?

Not all guys are bad in relationships. Sometimes, a guy gives his all, and a guy changes for the girl, and the guy respects what the girl wants... A guy may demand at times, but that's a licensed thing in a relationship... A guy can stay strong and hold on to promises, and a guy can stay loyal and can commit to the core...

Sometimes it can be the girl. The girl who misses life without the guy...
The girl can just forget the promises,
The girl can inflict the greatest pain,
and the girl can still be a victim of her decision,
and NO ONE SHOULD EVER BLAME HER for looking past the years
and choosing herself and what she would really want.

And that's where it doesn't break even...
That today, at this point when I'm hurt by all these things,
and while I'm still lingering on this love,
she can walk away...

And I can't blame her,
because she's as wounded as I am... She's confused,
she feels like a victim of chance or regret...
And it doesn't break even...
:'(

Trying to Stop a Ticking Time Bomb

"What do you think will happen if we don't end up together?
Are we gonna hate each other? 'Think we'll keep in touch?"

"I think that... if life separates us, and we end up in totally different places,
always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time...
And I'll be thankful for that...
And hope that wherever you are, you'll be thankful too...
And I think it's the best we can wish for."

---Strangers Again, Wong Fu Productions


I never wanted to watch this short film... It went out viral during the heydays of my life... my short, very young life... Who can even tell me that's the happiest I can ever be when I was not even 25? But hey, happiness didn't depend on age. Love didn't depend on age too. I was once so happy I won a Division Wide Story telling Competition that I ran to school with a trophy clenched on one hand and I was cheering, I was flying, I was on cloud 9... And that was just in Grade 3... So you see, happiness to me was a choice, as for everyone too... And the video was just too melancholic I couldn't relate. And so when it went viral, I opted not to watch. I said to myself that this is something I will never understand... Because when people say it's sad and lonely because it's about breaking up, I knew I won't have to go through it...

But now that I find myself in a deep pit and I'm grasping for answers, this video shed some clarity to the situation... It was right, a relationship does have stages... And to tell you frankly, it's not a gold mine, everyone knows it happens... Even I know it is normal, all those stages, but what I sought to believe in was the fact that ours will be different. Ours will be better. Ours will flourish and continue and bloom and grow... and strengthen and last, and last forever...

I would always hear it from important people in my life, that one can grow out of love and just lose it at one point... And that in a relationship, you get too comfortable that everything just seems to pass, like the sun that rises and sets, the winds that blow then vanish... You begin to take things for granted, and you begin to search for something different... They say humans never really get contented. It's always a search for a better state, and life is about progressing... As with relationships too... And when it starts to fail, it is already A TICKING TIME BOMB... And that love, no matter how strong, will begin to fade and what will remain is friendship, if you have invested on it... Otherwise you lose everything, and you can't connect again...

And now I see the reason why that video became viral... Because the truth applies to all. It is not selective; it is not truth for others and lie for some. But let me tell you about how I face this truth: I face it with a grain of salt, knowing that though it's the general truth, I may challenge it, and I may, soon after... someday, prove it's wrong.

We are somewhere on Stage 6, Downhill. There's not much time left when you're here.

This is where after being too comfortable and after tolerating each other, and after facing the possibilities that this might not work, one tries to make the effort on MAKING IT WORK...

The biggest enemy is time. You have to beat the time...
And that's what I'm feeling.
Every minute of the day, I was trying to start anew, but I can't remember how to live every moment without her... I'm stuck in that moment, and I know I have to get out but I'd rather not... I fear what pain there would be after this... Like suddenly realizing the reality, or discovering the discovery... I fear what she might find out after being apart, And you know, I don't want to be apart and think I have to move on... I see this as just the TIME she needs to think through things...

But I can't give her that time... I feel so weak, I feel so vulnerable that I keep on trying to make it work, trying to ask her to talk to me, trying to fix this before the time ends and before it eventually becomes easy for her to walk out and harder for me to walk the other way...

I feel like having to beat the time is crucial, that at some point, when it all ends, I'd have that small, useless pride and tell myself at least I did not stop trying. I did not want to stop trying...

This is how important it is for me... And I want to challenge those stages...
I want this to eventually work out...

But I'm trying to stop a ticking time bomb...
it's dangerous,
it's packed with sacrifices,
it's altogether a challenge and it really... really drains you...
You want to beat time because you think you are saving the most important thing you have...
but time has been so constant, and time has been so cruel... and time has been all she ever wanted.
and you can't seem to fight back...

I kept on texting. I kept on calling. I kept on telling her i miss her and i love her.
How would she realize if she feels the same for me?

I had to let go...
But why should I? I have to keep on trying...
I have to stop that ticking time bomb from exploding...

it's a vicious cycle... Like how the ferris wheel would be for those who were first in line... They have to wait til all the passenger carriers are filled, so they keep on hanging up there, they keep on that circle, they keep on seeing the same sights...

But what should I do about that vicious cycle? Sometimes I think the best way to actually survive it is to follow your guts... and heart... and mind... and right now, they all tell me try and try...
stop that ticking time bomb...

The only sad part there is... to stop it, both parties need to try...





And the other just gave up. BOOM.
:'(

How Do You Start a Life?

I'm bursting from the seams... Why should pain happen to people? Why should everything stop when everything seemed so perfect? People don't deserve to lose people... I've realized these goodbyes and painful time-outs just happen, and you would always have to ask, will it happen to me now? Later? tomorrow? What if it happens? Then I ask... How do you start a life?

How do you start a life when the life you've always wanted just ended all of a sudden? Like a sudden drop from the moments of anticipation when you ride a roller coaster... It just takes your breath away, it makes your heart stop, and the whole you seemed jolted, electrified... When you didn't see the train coming and it hit you... when you didn't see the clouds then it started to rain... When you didn't feel the fire but you get burned from head to toe? When it's too sudden, where do you go from there? How do you start a life when the previous life was just everything you've known?

I was very much in love. I would remember the last relationship I had – how it ended, and how it seemed wrong in all ways because it was a relationship full of fights and arguments... When that ended, I knew life had to be better. I did not grieve, nor cry, nor acted stupidly out of remorse. it was a life that ended to bring in a better one... It was positive, and accepting it was easy because I knew I did something wrong. I had to make myself better. I had to fix myself.

I promised not to get into another relationship back then... I gave myself some time, and eventually when I met HER, I decided I will pursue her. I've been very mature about it, prayed for it and worked hard for it... And when we both stepped in a relationship, we knew it was the most perfect thing on earth.

I've devoted all my time for her... Built my dreams around her... I believed so much in the future that I felt nothing bad can happen to the present... It was the most joyous moments of my life, and we shared those moments together... The graduation, the achievements, the great news, the sweetest moments of love, the assuring moments of caressing each other ––– it was shining, shimmering, and splendid.

It was the life I've always wanted. A perfect life shared with someone as perfect as that life, who entirely becomes that life, and you feel nothing's lost because with this life you are complete. I've committed my life to her. To me, marriage is just a term––– you can be committed to someone with as much loyalty and dedication even if you haven't exchanged vows. Because the vows in that relationship were enough... the promises were lasting, and the love just suffices. Mistakes are overshadowed by forgiveness, doubts by trust, absence by presence, and grief by joy.

And i know I've done well... And that she had done well too... We were happy for years, that each other half became part of something totally whole, and that all habits, all moments, all routines, from seconds to minutes to hours, to days and months and all the other measures of time ––– everything became about us. The joy we've found together was made strong by people around us, by God whom we both believe and worship, by family, even by dreams....

We've named our future kids... We've planned our future weddings... We've planned future trips together, and everyday just seemed to be okay... She told me she's proud she dated a man who writes, that she loves me so much, and that she values me too...

Until one day, cold winds swept upon us and I find myself losing her for reasons she cannot disclose properly... Like missing her single life... Like missing the life she'd always wanted to enjoy, and despite her not being able to articulate it, that life she always wanted wasn't the perfect LIFE that we were living in... Which was a bit unfair, because I've given her everything... I've done everything right... And admittedly she also knew there was nothing wrong... Which again was so unfair. It's a thin blade that was able to cut through in perfect precision, and that even the sturdiest parts of life it was able to shred to pieces...

And it had to end... And time had to overshadow all joys, and time brought in pain and tears and confusion. 

What sense could there be when that perfect life begins to falter?

The life I've always wanted ––– the life that revolves around her ––– suddenly had to stop.

I was shaken to the core. Believing everything was alright, I can't fathom why it had to happen... And the more I was asking for the reasons, the more I was trying to scavenge for the things that would make sense, I find myself getting deeper and deeper into an abyss of confusion, of loss, of cold, painful stabs piercing thru even as far as the soul. It does not make sense.

I felt no solid ground was there to catch me... I felt no hand was there for me to grab. i was just a lost man now, some insignificant soul... Of course, people try to reach for me, but I can't lift up my head, or raise my arms, or submit to moving on. I can't leave this darkness. I can't stop myself from wishing, fervently praying, for that perfect life to come back and be okay... 

The pain is killing me every second... Tears burst in the slightest reminder of her, or the decision, or the sweetest things we've enjoyed for years... My eyes were sore, my heart was tired, and I was dying––– but I keep on hoping too... I keep on wishing, I keep on praying... But I really feel like dying, I feel like dropping dead and pretending this is not happening ––– no, this isn't happening, no, it can't be happening... no, this is just a nightmare.

But it wasn't. It was real, and it was excruciating.

So how do you start a life? How do you start when you did not want it to die? When you secretly hope that perfect life is immortal? How do you start all over again, when the moment you get back to zero, the step to ONE is always still about her? How do you move on with questions left unanswered? How do you forget when all you wanted was to remember? How do you trick yourself, and tell yourself that you can survive this?

How do you start a life?

Someone told me, you don't need to find the answers to these questions.
The questions had to be loved, and cherished, and appreciated...
even without the answers.

I continue to hope this gets better, but I also need to take a few steps forward... or else I die with that perfect life. I'd fall down, I won't be able to keep up, and I'd be swallowed wholly by the ground... I just don't know how. It's difficult... But as I go through each day, I hope the baggage lightens, and everything, for all it's worth, start  to clear up and I'll see the silver linings once again.

Things did not have to make sense. That's life...
But at least, I should see reason.

I seriously hope no one gets to go through this pain, ever again, for now I understand what it feels to truly lose someone who actually didn't die... It is as painful as death, but not as acceptable as death. It's cruel, it's tormenting, it's not liberating. But I know life is packed with all those thorns, and that pain is part of whatever it is that you need in life to continue being in that life.

And therefore, even if I hope for that, we'll all feel it one day... We'll cross that road someday when everything just seems to be okay then someone bids farewell. We'll all lose a life that we value so much, with all our hearts and minds and thoughts and words and actions... It will happen... and you get pushed back to the starting line, fall back to zero, and restart after shutting down.

I just hope that when it happens, we all know
how to start a life.